By Amy Castle, General Manager, PADA (Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Aotearoa)
There is a moment many parents experience that doesn’t get talked about enough.
It is not the big, dramatic moments; it is the quiet ones. Sitting in a room full of people and still feeling completely alone. Wondering if anyone else is finding this as hard as you are. Wondering if you are the only one not coping the way you thought you would.
I’ve felt that.
As a mum of three, stepmum to three more (aged 4-16), and parent to a young person with special needs, I have moved through spaces where I’ve felt connected and others where I’ve felt completely on the outside. Add in navigating a system that is often stretched, underfunded, and hard to access, and that sense of isolation can grow quickly.
And I know I am not alone in that.
Isolation doesn’t always look like loneliness
In the perinatal space, isolation isn’t always about being physically alone. It can look like:
• Not seeing your experience reflected in the support around you
• Feeling like you have to explain your family, your identity, or your needs just to be
understood
• Sitting in a group where everyone seems to “fit” except you
• Navigating services that weren’t designed with your reality in mind
For māmā, pāpā, rainbow whānau, neurodivergent parents, and many others, this isn’t rare. It’s common.
And when people feel like they don’t belong, they’re far less likely to reach out for support.
Inclusion is more than a word
We talk a lot about inclusion, but real inclusion is felt, not just said. It is in the language we use. It is in the spaces we create. It is in whether someone feels safe enough to show up exactly as they are, without needing to edit themselves first.
In my own experience, the difference between isolation and inclusion has often come down to one thing: being met without judgment. Not needing to justify why things are hard. Not needing to explain why your situation doesn’t fit the “norm.” Just being seen and accepted.
The system isn’t always built for real life
One of the hardest parts of this journey is navigating systems that don’t always reflect the complexity of real families.
When you’re juggling multiple children, different needs, work, appointments, and everyday life, accessing support shouldn’t feel like another barrier. But often, it does.
We ask people to fit into services, instead of designing services that fit people.
And when that happens, people fall through the gaps. Not because they don’t need support, but because the system doesn’t feel like a place they belong.
What does belonging actually look like?
Belonging doesn’t have to be complicated.
It looks like:
• Being greeted in a way that reflects who you are
• Seeing your family structure acknowledged and respected
• Having flexibility in how you access support
• Being able to speak openly without fear of judgment
• Knowing you don’t have to “fit a mould” to be worthy of care
It is the small signals that say: you are welcome here.
Building communities that hold people
At PADA, we often talk about connection as a protective factor, and it truly is.
When people feel connected, they are more likely to ask for help.
When they feel understood, they are more likely to engage.
When they feel they belong, they are more likely to heal.
But connection doesn’t just happen, it is created.
It is created by providers who take the time to listen.
By organisations that reflect the diversity of the communities they serve.
By conversations that move beyond assumptions and into understanding.
A shared responsibility
Inclusion is not one person’s job; it is all of ours.
Whether you are a provider, a policymaker, a parent, or a friend, the way you show up matters.
It is in the small things:
• The questions you ask
• The assumptions you challenge
• The space you hold for someone else’s experience
Because for someone else, that moment might be the difference between feeling alone and feeling like they finally belong.
PADA’s Commitment
At PADA, we are committed to strengthening connection and inclusion across Aotearoa, supporting providers, whānau, and communities to create spaces where everyone feels seen, heard, and valued.
Learn more about our work and resources at pada.nz and join us in building a system and a community where everyone belongs.
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